The second crucial influence on interaction between adults in the family is the difference in socialization processes for boys and for girl. These differences are so embedded in the American social matrix that until recently they had gone nearly unnoticed. There is a different social source for self-love in boys and girls.
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The girl is loved simply because she exists and can attract, as is evidenced by the admiration pretty little girls receive. The girl is also taught to be subtle, for such behavior is part of her attraction. The boy is loved for what he can do and become; he must prove himself. Boys, especially from school age on, are given less recognition than girls for good looks and much recognition for what they can do. A boy learns to be direct, to brush aside distractions (sometimes including a woman`s voice since most disciplining will come from the mother and from female school teachers and can be perceived as nagging after awhile), and to get to the essence of things.
These concepts of what is appropriate boy and girl behavior are taught early and continue to affect heterosexual interactions throughout life. For example, in traditional courtship, the boy is expected to be in charge, to be dominant, to prove himself; the girl is expected to attract, to be passive. In marriage, however, these expectations cause problems, for the man is proving himself largely through his work, so this aspect of his earlier courtship behavior is now less visible to his wife.
If the woman does not understand the dynamics of his behavior, she is likely to feel rejected and unloved, thinking she can no longer attract him. If the wife is also working, the husband may think of her as a competitor and work harder to keep his self-esteem. His physical self, including his involvement in lovemaking, is very much intertwined with his social, professional, and financial self, and failure in one is likely to cause feelings of failure in the total self, affecting his sense of masculinity, sexuality, and personhood.
All of these facts are compounded by the shift in balance between the man and woman found in modern marriage, especially with the advent of the women`s liberation movement. The husband often labors under the illusion that he enjoys the rights and responsibilities inherent in a patriarchal family system. Yet he must recognize the qualifications and drive for independence, the basic humanness, of his wife. You can help the couple to recognize the effect of their early socialization on their behavior and expectations and to work through misunderstandings. Help parents to overcome sexual stereotypes so that they do not inflict them on their children. Carmichael`s book, Nonsexist Childrearing, may be helpful.
References :
Vincent, Clark, The Family : Trends and Directions in the Seventies. A speech to the Eleventh Annual Conference on Prevention and Community Mental Health, St. Louis, April 27, 1973.
Carmichael, Carrie, Nonsexist Childraising, Boston : Beacon Press, 1977.
Murray, RB and Zentner JP., Nursing Concepts for Health Promotion, Second Edtion, Prentice-Hall, Inc, Englewood Cliffs, N.J, 1979.
